Normalize it.

Recently, I have been reading a multitude of memoirs. I learned I love memoirs. I love reading another’s story. I love to learn how we are connected. I’ve read memoirs of famous people before and I enjoyed them. I enjoyed the hints of commonalities I found between those people everyone knows and my quiet self. Reading memoirs of non-famous people is even more incredible. Their book wasn’t published because everyone knows their name. Their story was published because it is a story worth reading.

I’ve had breast cancer twice and live with the chronic illness of MS (multiple sclerosis). I have a unique view of life. Without conscious thought, I carry the weight of the possibility of another cancer diagnosis (can I really make it to my 80s without this coming back?), and the awareness that MS may steal from me whatever it wants, whenever it wants. Currently, I have good days and bad days. A good day is a day when I can forget my illness for most of the day. I can do tasks I want to do without feeling exhausted. I can socialize without getting weary. I can do my job without feeling spent. I can sit in the quiet without the tears sneaking up because this burden is just too heavy. You can imagine a bad day.

Reading other’s memoirs of disease and loss reminds me I am not alone. There is another person who felt the pain and the exhaustion and tried to put on a brave face in front of their family. There is another person who is scared about their future. There is another person carrying their grief and pain with them each day, finding slivers of hope like sunlight through the cracks in the blinds. I am not alone. These authors normalize my existence for me.

I avoid the thoughts that I should or shouldn’t feel a certain way. This life is what I have. I am not alone. If I feel scared today, that is okay. If I feel energized today, that is okay. If I want to cry one moment and laugh the next, that is okay. We are complex, emotional beings. At any given moment there are so many forces acting upon us, pulling and pushing us, demanding from us. Add to those forces, a failing body, a fuzzy mind, fear of the future, and the burden becomes almost unbearable. I need to hear from others that they have these experiences too. I write to tell people I understand, I’ve been there.

There is no right or wrong way to exist. There is no prescribed path through life. We are wandering down our trails. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes its a tough climb. Sometimes we can see clearly where we are headed, sometimes we walk faithfully through the fog hoping we don’t take the wrong turn. We are all doing the best we can. I must be gracious and kind to myself on my worst days. I need to let myself rest and find small pieces of joy wherever I can. On my best days, I am grateful and take advantage of the energy and peace.

All this to say, it is normal to be who you are, whatever that looks like. It is normal because we are unique humans with unique needs and experiences. You and all your worries, problems, fears, joys, thoughts, patterns, habits, and tendencies are normal because you are you.